The World Cup Of Cute

Germany v. Portugal

Since this is basically a showcase game and nobody really cares who comes in third, I thought I'd just showcase the cutest talent on each team. In the cute world, Portugal would win hands-down, but it doesn't really matter.


Germany

Sebastian Kehl


Sebastian Kehl is sort of dorky-looking most of the time. He doesn't look like James Van Der Beek but something about him says I have my own show on the WB, anyway. (I mean, check out the third row of pictures. If that's not vaguely handsome and about nine years too old for high school then I don't know what is!) In a not-annoying way. The cutest thing about him is his facial imperfections. I mean sure, he's got a slammin' bod, but this is the World Cup--everybody does. I dig those stripy socks, though, and look, I even found a picture of his thingy. Nice foreskin, Dawson.

Philipp Lahm




Lahm's the Jekyll and Hyde of the German team. In some pictures I just want to eat him up (in the cutesy sense), and in others I get the feeling that he just wants to eat someone up (in the cannibal zombie sense). His Adidas ads are probably the hottest pictures of him, which is weird, but boy wouldn't a tumble in the mud be fun with this one. Also, in case you were wondering, there's no reason whatsoever why I made these pictures smaller than all the others. But now I'm too lazy to fix them.

Christoph Metzelder



Damn, I said it once and I'll say it again. Those socks are hot! Even when they're on a statue of one of the Wuzzles! Metzelder's got the sexy strong eyebrow thing going on, and while his forehead could be a little less shiny when he's not running around on the pitch, I'd like a slice of this cutie pie any day! (Okay, I need to stop saying things like this before I gack all over Ethan's keyboard.)


Portugal

Luis Figo


I gushed about this man in the last round, but I could keep going. For brevity's sake, though, I won't. Anyhoo, the bad news is that he's officially retiring after this game. I just wish he'd retire to my pants. Mee-yow!

Pauleta


Pauleta might not be the most awesome striker the game has ever seen (and, if you read any press from the last month, you wouldn't think he even deserved to make it to this cup.) He's the cutie I picked out to represent Portugal in Round 1, and I maintain everything I said--he looks equally smashing in red or green uniforms, his hair is quite delightful to behold, and somehow when he's all Sr. Athletic Screaming Guy he actually looks like an excited hot man and not like a deranged animal (which can't be said for most World Cup players, sadly.) Anyhoo, the bad news is that he's officially retiring after this game. I just wish he'd retire to my pants. Mee-yow!

Ricardo


Ricardo looks really hot when he's standing in front of a goal. The rest of the time he looks a little--well, honestly, he looks kind of dopey from certain angles, and from others he looks a little bit like he's been smoking hash. But put him in action and he's one of the cutest goalkeepers we've seen. And as far as I know he has no plans to retire.