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Matthew Lawrence
Writings
The World Cup Of
Cute
Round 4
Okay, we're down to the final four....
And it's goodbye, everybody who isn't from Europe. Argentina finally
succumbed to ugliness and there was no way Brazil could beat the hot
hot French. (I was actually three for four in the last round--Ukraine
kind of shitting the bed the way they did....) In order to determine
who's going to win the semi-finals, I've decided to investigate every
player on each team.... Click on each team name for a whole gallery of
their players and then read the in-depth analysis of each game.
Analysis:
This is the less exciting of the two matches, but one of these two is
going to be in the finals and both teams are fairly skilled at being
cute, if not quite masters of the game.
The Germans have a number of excellently cute players, especially
Philipp Lahm. Bernd Schneider are also pretty good-looking--they all
are, really--giving the team a pretty solid chance, especially since
the weakest points (Podolski and Klose) at least know how to pose well.
Italy, on the other hand, is more a bunch of loose cannons. Buffon's
sort of dreamy in the way that he looks like he might be one of your
down-and-out cousins. Toni's cute in the way that he should have his
own sitcom, and Gilardino's hot in a really bland way. But the hair....
Perhaps I had best say this in a letter.
Dear Italians--
I only say this because you are my people, and therefore I am concerned
about you. Please, please, please, please, please cut your hair.
There's no excuse. You live in a reasonably warm climate and you run
around all day. It can't be comfortable. And not just on your
head--Zambrotta, don't you know that goatee just makes you look like
George Michael? Gattuso, do you really think that looks pretty? No. No
no no a thousand times no! Take a lesson from Captain Cannavaro and
keep it short.
Love,
Matthew Lawrence
PS--This does not extend to body hair. I don't care if it's for Dolce
and Gabbana.
WINNER: GERMANY 2:1
Analysis:
Two of the more photogenic teams overall meet face-to-face in this
match. They both have wildly pretty captains who are both retiring
after this year, and they both have a number of other good-looking guys
on the team.
Let's start with Portugal. Some time ago Meira could have been a
superstar in the World Cup of Cute, but now his hair is so
distractingly terrible that he fizzles totally. Maniche, meanwhile, is
what one might call a goober. Other than that, though, and this squad's
damn fine. Okay, so maybe I'm not so into the way Petit looks a little
like the young Roberto Benigni, or the way Sabrosa's neck is all weird
(it's not just that one picture), but look at how dreamy Pauleta is.
And Ricardo. And Figo. Ronaldo's got it goin' on, too, but Pauleta and
Figo and Ricardo triple-team us with dreamy Portuguosity. And
look--they all have good hair! It also doesn't hurt that the Portuguese
uniforms are among the best.
Although no one on the French side has stupid hair, there's
surprisingly few superstars in the cute realm. Aside from being French
and bald (ie. hot by default), Barthez isn't particularly
attractive--his head's too shiny. Nobody's particularly unattractive
(save Ribery, who definitely is particularly unattractive), but Thuram
and Vieira are the only other two that I'd call cute. That is, except
for Zidane, who's cuter than just about everybody else combined. You
heard me gush about him in the last round, though, so I won't go on
here.
WINNER: Portugal 3:1