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Matthew Lawrence
Writings
The World Cup Of
Cute
Round 3
Okay, so maybe it's not just cute players that make a
team. I mean, otherwise Argentina would be ranked 155th and wouldn't be
in the tournament at all, never mind beating Mexico. So maybe it's
about something else. Like, say, how cute the coaches are. But then I
took a gander and quickly changed my mind. I like Much Older Men just
as much (if not more) than the next guy, but these dudes are A-ged.
Check it:
(l-r, top to bottom) Klinsmann (GER), Pekerman (ARG), Fernando Lippi
(ITA), Blokhin (UKR), Sven Goran Eriksson (ENG), Scolari (POR), Alberto
(BRA), Raymond Domenech (FRA)
U.G.L.Y.!!! Half a point to Brazil for having the most attractive
coach, although saying that is like saying that Luigi is the most
attractive character in the Super Mario Brothers games--I mean, really,
apparently the way to become a World Cup Coach is to eat exclusively at
the International House of Homely. Also, I never thought I'd want
anyone to dye their eyebrows, but come on, Frenchy, you need some
silver in there to match that five hundred euro hairdo you're donning.
So then I thought about how the World Cup is as much about nationalism
as it is about sports, so I thought I'd try to pick winning teams based
on the attractiveness of their leader:
(l-r, top to bottom) Angelda Merkel (GER), Nestor Kirchner (ARG),
Giorgio Napolitano (ITA), Andrei Yushchenko (UKR), Tony Blair (ENG),
Jose Socrates (POR), Lula (BRA), Jacques Chirac (FRA).
Obviously that didn't work, either, although Portugal wins major points
for having a leader who's almost--dare I say it--a little Clooney-like.
(Although, oddly, Jacques Chirac has a sort of handsome dignity in this
picture that I feel like is normally a little lacking.) And I won't say
anything about Senor Bobo, star of the hit Argentine children's series Bobo
y su vaca. Oh wait, I mean President Kirchner. Sorry.
So, I realized the only way to determine who'd win these games would be
to do Google image searches of each of the team captains along with
some key words ("hot", "naked", "shirtless") and see what I could come
up with. In some cases they turned up whole galleries, and in others
they revealed nothing whatsoever. Also, since all these guys are in
their 30s and have been around for a long time, there's nothing to say
that these pictures are actually recent (in a lot of cases I know
they're not.) So, here's the Quarter-final Wrap-up:
Game 1: Germany v. Argentina
Germany
Michael Ballack
Midfielder (#13)
DOB September 26, 1976
Team: Bayern Munich
Height 1.89 m, Weight, 80.00 kg
Analysis: He's a little bit cute, in the way that he looks sort of like
the lost Wahlberg brother. He's also one of the taller team captains,
which is a plus. For being mildly attractive he gets two points. No,
make that three for the funny face he's making under his shirt in that
second picture.
Argentina
Juan Pablo Sorin
Defender (#3)
DOB May 5, 1976
Team: Villareal Club de Futbol
Height 1.73 m, Weight, 65.00 kg
Analysis: As expected from rounds 1 and 2, Mr. Argentina's ugly and has
dumb hair. Also "Sorin naked" turns up no results in a Google image
search. His other results turn up two uninteresting pictures of the
game and, oddly, a shirtless picture of the young Michael Jackson. Go
fig. 0 points for Argentina.
WINNER: GERMANY 3-0
Game 2: Italy v. Ukraine
Italy
Fabio Cannavaro
Defender (#5)
DOB September 13, 1973
Team: Juventus
Height 1.76 m, Weight, 75.00 kg
Analysis: Unlike, say, Ballack, Cannavaro's a total himbo, taking his
clothes off for every ad campaign imaginable (most recently Dolce &
Gabbana) He's definitely good-looking, although as an Italian-American
I'd like to voice my expert opinion that my people were not meant to
shave their bodies. Still, decent effort. 3 points.
Ukraine
Andriy Shevchenko
Forward (#7)
DOB September 29, 1976
Team: Chelsea
Height 1.83 m, Weight, 73.00 kg
Analysis: Hey, look, way over there on the right, it's a real penis!
And, while it could be just about anybody, the tattoo looks vaguely
like it might be Andriy's. So, nice schlong, mister! I think he's
actually at his cutest wearing little little shorts and big big socks,
but he's a keeper all the time. He scores 4.
WINNER: UKRAINE 4-0
Game 3: England v Portugal
England
David Beckham
Midfielder (#7)
DOB May 2, 1975
Team: Real Madrid
Height 1.83 m, Weight, 75.00 kg
Analysis: Sure he's been everywhere for the last ten years, to the
point where there was a romantic comedy named after him that was
marketed toward people who aren't even soccer fans, and yeah, he might
be a little bit of a himbo--okay, a big bit of a himbo--but at least he
understands what the World Cup of Cute is about. And, despite the
occasionally horrid hairdo, he's actually a kinda hot. England 3.
Portugal
Miguel Figo
Mifielder (#7)
DOB November 4, 1972
Team: Inter Milan
Height 1.80 m, Weight, 75.00 kg
Analysis: He's one of the only players with any body hair, which earns
him an automatic point. He also gets one for having the weirdest
picture result when you type the word "naked" next to his name in a
google image search. Also, one for the surreal (and fake-looking)
bubbles that look like snow in that champagne picture. And one for
actually being kinda handsome.
WINNER: PORTUGAL 5-3 (Remember that one extra Portugal point for having
the best-looking leader.)
Game 4: Brazil v. France
Brazil
Marcos Cafu
Defender (#2)
DOB June 7, 1970
Team: AC Milan
Height 1.76 m, Weight, 74.00 kg
Analysis: At 36 he's a little older than the other guys, but far be it
from me to hold that against him. He's sort of good-looking, although
the weird t-shirt in the shirtless (actually, 'sem camisa') picture is
probably the most interesting thing about this photo set. No idea why
"Cafu hot" turns up a red Volkswagen but, you know, who am I to judge
what's hot these days? Oh, wait, that's my job. One point, Bugman.
France
Zinedine Zidane
Midfielder (#10)
DOB June 23, 1972
Team: AC Milan
Height 1.85 m, Weight, 80.00 kg
Analysis: Okay, so everybody thinks that Brazil should win this match,
but honestly, I'd rather let Zinedine jump my bones than Bugman any
day. Something about his Semitic nose and his graceful way of balding
totally set my loins afire. Despite the fact that "Zidane naked" only
turned up a pay site and this weird anime thing, he still scores a
whopping 5 points for France, all by his damn hot self.
WINNER: FRANCE 5-1
Stay tuned for the semi-finals, which will hopefully get put up before
the games and not after....