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Matthew Lawrence
Writings
The World Cup Of Cute
Round 2
Based on a random sampling of three players*, let's
determine the winners of the Round 2 matchups based on their official
mugshot-like photos on the FIFA website.
(*Random samples were taken by saying "Ethan, name three
numbers between 1 and 23" but without telling him which team it was
for. Not that he would have known anyway, not being a sports
enthusiast....) If you have any comments e-mail me and we can discuss
these important world issues.
Group A
Germany v. Sweden
Germany
Per Mertesacker (defender), Robert Huth (defender), Oliver Kahn (goal)
Sweden
Christian Wilhelmsson (midfielder), Niclas Alexandersson (midfielder),
Henrik Larsson (forward)
WINNER: SWEDEN 2:0
Oliver Kahn has nothing going for him--the scruff, the jetlagged look,
the lack of eyebrows, and the fact that he's dressed like Tony The
Tiger (unlike his teammates, who just look like a pair of really
unhappy flight attendants.)
Sweden wins easily. Wilhelmsson doesn't have scruff--he
has a cute Swedish beard. Alexandersson doesn't have a girly bleach
job; he has a manly Swedish blond-with-black-roots pixie cut that would
do any Swede proud! And you might think Larsson looks a bit smarmy, but
that's just because he probably bought something really cool at H&M
and now he's listening to the Lucky Lucky Pigeons.
Group B
Argentina v. Mexico
Argentina
Roberto Abbondonzieri (goalkeeper), Oscar Ustari (goalkeeper), Juan
Riquelme (midfielder)
Mexico
Claudio Suarez (defender), Gonzalo Pineda (defender), Jose Antonio
Castro (defender)
WINNER: MEXICO 1:0
For the sake of all that is good in the world, let's just assume that
the Argentine photographer was just playing a little game and
substituted the pictures of his team with pictures of puppets from some
popular South American children's program. Look at
them--Abbondonzzieri, the lovable country-bumpkin; Ustari, the farmer's
boy who's always getting into trouble; and Riquelme, the uptightlocal
priest who everybody suspects is a little light in the loafers. In
fact, I bet their picture-taking was like when I got my last drivers'
license, when the photographer laughed and laughed and then wouldn't
retake the picture.
Anyway, as for Mexico, Suarez looks a little bit
lecherous; Pinda would be a little bit hot if he weren't wearing frosty
pink Wet N Wild lipstick, and Castro would be actually pretty foxy if
he cut his hair and realized he's never going to play with Mudhoney.
Group C
England v Ecuador
England
Peter Crouch (forward), Scott Carson (goalkeeper), Theo Walcott
(forward)
Ecuador
Jose Perlaza (defender), Ivan Kaviedes (forward), Marlon Ayovi
(midfielder)
WINNER: ENGLAND 1:0 (in overtime)
See the one on the right for England? He's only 17--the youngest guy in
the whole tournament. Apparently he's yet to develop a personality
and/or distinguishing features. Unlike his two teammates, one of whom
looks like your average lovable yet abusive thug boyfriend and the
other one of whom looks like one of the lesser and more genetically
challenged members of the royal family. Seriously, can you picture
those two playing on the same team? Posing for the same pictures?
Changing in the same locker room? It's kind of like Say Anything,
except instead of kickboxing the poor guy plays soccer, and instead of
being smart and Ione Skye the rich one also plays soccer, and instead
of falling in love and getting their parties crashed by Frasier's wife
they just avoid each other at all costs. And Frasier's father isn't
there and they're not in high school, except for the one on the right
who possibly still is in high school.
As for the Ecuadorians--there's boring and then there's
boring with bad hair. And that would be the gamut that this particular
team runs. England wins, but only because Carson looks like he'd be fun
when he was drunk and maybe like he'd use his big gappy teeth as an
excuse to behave like Madonna at parties.
Group D
Portugal v. Holland
Portugal
Luis Figo (forward), Petit (midfielder), Paulo Santos (goalkeeper)
Holland
Denny Landzaat (midfielder), Jan Kromkamp (defender), Mark Van Bommel
(midfielder)
WINNER: HOLLAND 2:1
Why does Luis Figo look so clean? He'd be kinda hot if I weren't afraid
he was an ad for whitening strips. Petit had too much fun last night to
play well. Note the droopy eyes. That kid's going places, like to do
drugs off the backs of toilet seats in the bathrooms of Europe's
hottest clubs; Paulo Santos, from what I can tell, is not a person so
much as a creature from the realm of science fiction, which totally
overwhelms the fact that Mark van Bommel looks a little bit like an
Easter Island head with a curly wig on. Landzaat's attractive in a
boring way where he should be doing Hanes commercials, and Kromkamp
looks like a big annoying fruit. Landzaat wins it for the Dutch in a
very unexciting game.
Group E
Italy v. Australia
Italy
Fabio Grosso (defender), Andrea Borzagli (defender), Gianluca Zambrotta
(defender)
Australia
Marco Bresciano (midfielder), Luke Wilkshire (midfielder), Archie
Thompson (forward)
WINNER: ITALY 4:3
Now we're talking! A real honest-to-goodness exciting match-up! Grosso
looks a little bit, well, let's just say simple, but I'd totally like
all three of those guys to defend me any day, if you know what I mean.
(Okay, that made no sense, but it's 3 AM and I'm too tired to be
bawdy.) Point is, they're hottt, and not just because they're my
people.
The Socceroos actually aren't so bad-looking either,
although Bresciano appears to be on too many downers and Thompson (the
weakest of the three) appears to be on too many uppers. Maybe it's the
weird shadows behind them that no other team has. Anyway, Wilkshire
looks a little bit like a pretty-boy but this is actually one of the
best pictures I've seen of him (and who else can say that about?!)
Group F
Switzerland v. Ukraine
Switzerland
Stephane Grichting (defender), Mauro Lustrinelli (forward), Valon
Behrami (midfielder)
Ukraine
Anatolly Timoschuk (midfielder), Andriy Pyatov (goalkeeper), Andriy
Vorobey (forward)
WINNER: UKRAINE 1:0
You probably never knew that Kurt Cobain had a child with Choe Sevigny
when she was twelve, but she did and then sent it to live with some
soccer-playing Ukrainian relatives, which is the real reason Kurt
decided to end it all. Now the hurt scorned rejected love child is
back. Although neither of his parents had/have a strong muscle between
them, he's actually quite the scrapper and now he's even made the World
Cup team! His teammates are some bratty "Prince" who is second cousins
twice removed from Peter Crouch (see group C) and also some guy who has
penetrating eyes and cute sticky-out ears that would be easy to grab on
to should he decide to perform oral sex on you.
The Swiss are boring and unattractive. At least these
three are. The game's only goal is scored by Vorobey.
Group G
Brazil v. Ghana
Brazil
Roberto Carlos (defender), Juan (defender), Julio Cesar (goalkeeper)
Ghana
Michael Essien (midfielder), Habib Mohamed (defender), John Pantsil
(defender)
WINNER: GHANA 1:0
Who thought this picture of Roberto Carlos was good enough to be the
official representation of him at the FIFA website. He's not that ugly,
I don't think, but what the hell is going on with that face? Also, how
big is his head that it takes up the whole square? Check out Team
Ghana.... their heads are half the size of Mister Brazilian Potato
Head's.
Actually neither team is that exciting. Julio Cesar is
too chinny, and nobody that goes solely by Juan is cool in my book. I
mean, really. If his name were unusual in any way--like Pele, or
Cher--that would be one thing. But Juan? No. Ghana wins, mostly because
Mohamed has that scar that makes me think of Johnny Depp's tattoo in
Cry-Baby.
Group H
Spain v. France
Spain
Iker Casillas (goalkeeper), Fernando Torres (forward), Joaquin
(midfielder)
France
David Trezeguet (forward), Fabien Barthez (goalkeeper), Jean-Alain
Boumsong (defender)
WINNER: SPAIN 3:1
I like Iker. He's hottt with three t's; he's actually the only person
from my Round 1 Cute All-Star team to be featured in Round 2. Sadly, in
this picture he looks kinda fat and chinny. And Joaquin looks Too Gay
To Function, as Janis Ian would say, but Torres is totally that guy in
high school you always wanted to ask you out and/or make sweet love to
you on the football field after homecoming and/or have an awkward but
hot quickie with backstage during rehearsals for the school production
of Little Shop Of Horrors (and/or The Diary of Anne Frank).
France, if you weren't aware, is where Coneheads come
from. It's also where David Trezeguet comes from, and he's kind of
cute--his Guy Smiley white smile is so much less unsettling than
Whatshishead's from Portugal--but he's no match for Fernando Soccer
Hero, who played a great game and wrote a great article for the school
paper! Spain wins!
Stay tuned for Round 3....