cd reviews

Who I Want to Hang Out With, and Why, by Matthew Lawrence
(July 31, 2007)

It occurred to me the other day while listening to the new White Stripes album--which is terrible, by the way--that Jack White is probably really annoying to hang out with. As much as I've always liked him and Meg, he clearly thinks he's the most awesome person on earth. Plus he's got stupid hair.

That got me thinking about other musicians that I like, and how much I'd probably never, ever want to hang out with them in person. I mean, I don't know anybody famous, and except for going to shows I've never even seen any of them in person, so it's all conjecture. Aside from rumors I've heard (like from somebody I kinda knew a few years ago that went to Christina Aguilera's high school that said she was a raging bitch and refused to star in the school production of Oklahoma!, or something), I have no idea how accurate I am in judging people's personalities and, after compiling this list, I realized that some of the people I want to hang out with the most are the ones I know almost nothing about. Also, I'm fickle. Would I rather hang out with Ciara than Rihanna? Absolutely! Do I have anything to actually base that on? Not at all!

It's also very situational. Like, I have a feeling that Gwen Stefani is REALLY fun to be around for like the first nine minutes. So if my only encounter with her was in line at Whole Foods, then I might think she was totally awesome. But would I want to spend a ski weekend with her? Signs point to no. And while I'd like to spend a night on the town with Courtney Love, I probably wouldn't want to take her on a road trip.

So who's at the top of my list? Well, I've never even seen three of my top five do an interview before--I haven't seen a single video by two of them, either. Does that mean anything about the musicians I like? Maybe. Who can say? (I can say, though, as a big homo, that there's a definite lack of boy eye candy on the list. Because as much as I want to hang out with Tom Waits and Jarvis Cocker, the last place I'd ever want to see them is in flagrante delecto. The one exception near the top of my list is Ad Rock, who I've had a boner for since I was like five.)

So, here's a list of the first 75 musicians I could think of, in order of how much I want to hang out with them. (I only opted to go with musicians I actually like because, as annoying as Jack White is, I'm sure that five minutes with Fergie, Avril Lavigne, T-Pain, or anybody from Panic! At The Disco would be way, way, way, WAY worse.)

(PS--I tried to stick to musicians that are mainly known for being musicians, so no Jena Malone (or her bloodstains) and no Paris Hilton, even though "Stars Are Blind" is still wicked awesome and you can just shut your trap if you think otherwise. Britney Spears isn't on the list because, oddly, I didn't think to include her. Ditto Sarah Nixey and Aidan Moffatt, who'd probably both be like &035;4. Also I didn't include any once-beloved-by-me musicians (ahem, Mary J Blige) who have recently gone down the creative crapper.)

I'd pay for a chance to win a date with:
1. Trish Keegan (Broadcast)
2. Juana Molina
3. Pink
4. Yoko Ono
5. Kate Jackson (The Long Blondes)
6. Tom Waits
7. Kristin Hersh
8. Victoria Bergsman
9. The Beastie Boys
10. Amerie
11. Missy Elliott
12. Karen Andersson (The Knife)
13. Damon Albarn
14. Britta Phillips and Dean Wareham

I'd totally try to be my funniest/cutest/smartest if I got sat at a restaurant next to:
15. Shakira
16. The Pipettes
17. Christina Aguilera
18. Francoise Cactus and Brezel Goring
19. Patti Smith
20. Eleanor Friedberger (The Fiery Furnaces)
21. Jarvis Cocker
22. Malcolm Middleton
23. Low
24. Bonde do Role
25. Fiona Apple
26. MIA
27. Traceyanne Campbell (Camera Obscura)

Even though I'm sure they are crazy/spooky/a little too stoned all the time, I'd my list of party friends to include:
28. Courtney Love
29. Gruff Rhys
30. Christina Rosenvinge
31. PJ Harvey
32. Alison Mosshart (The Kills)
33. Ludacris
34. Amanda Blank
35. Gwen Stefani
36. Kevin Barnes (Of Montreal)

They might not be that exciting, but I'd still like to have lunch and maybe test the bi-curiosity of:
37. Stuart Staples
38. Thom Yorke
39. Rivers Cuomo (Weezer)
40. Justin Timberlake
41. Stuart Murdoch

They're probably a little on the dull/full of themselves/overly botoxed side, but I'd still like to hang out at least once with:
42. Ciara
43. Lady Sovereign
44. Nelly Furtado
45. Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne/Ivy)
46. Billie Joe Armstrong
47. Robert Schneider (The Apples In Stereo)
48. Elvis Costello
49. Timbaland

They have their faults, I'm sure of it, but I bet they're smart and interesting, if not exactly charming:
50. Trent Reznor
51. Rihanna
52. Annie
53. Stephin Merritt
54. Morrissey
55. Rufus Wainwright
56. Beck

I'd have so little to talk about with:
57. Dragonette
58. Bjork
59. Tim Delaughter (The Polyphonic Spree)
60. The Pussycat Dolls
61. Madonna
62. Beyonce
63. Sean Paul
64. Cat Power

I'd probably eventually want to kick:
65. Lily Allen
66. Ladytron
67. Amy Winehouse
68. Karen O
69. Antony
70. New Young Pony Club

I'd pay not to have a date with:
71. Marnie Stern
72. Kathleen Hanna
73. Lauryn Hill
74. Amanda Palmer
75. Jack White

[Afterword: After one of my periodic uncontrollable urges to listen to Pink Triangle the other day, I started thinking about how, as much as I want to squeeze Rivers Cuomo's wittle cheeks and then maybe play fussball with him for an afternoon, I'm usually completely annoyed by Weezer fans. Much more so than, say, Magnetic Fields fans, even though I do not want to play fussball with Stephin Merritt at all. So I might make a complementary list soon, of musicians whose fans I want to hang out with, and then we can compare! And contrast! Yay!]